


Sorry

by GallifreyanFairytale



Series: Songfics [4]
Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Songfic, i would like to apologize in advance for this, sorry to my unknown readers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 20:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14985329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanFairytale/pseuds/GallifreyanFairytale
Summary: simon knows he can't be with jeremy, but maybe he can dream for just a little while before he apologizesbased on sorry by halsey





	Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> there was too much fluff and not enough angst in the simon/jeremy tag. also i really wanted to write a songfic about my soft theatre boys who deserve happiness and then this horrible idea came to my mind

**_i’ve missed your calls for months it seems_ **

 

All of Simon’s recently missed calls were from Jeremy. It wasn’t even like Jeremy called him that much or anything, Simon had just been avoiding him. He felt bad, but he was always too scared to answer whenever Jeremy’s name appeared on his phone screen. Simon would simply set his phone down, screen down, and wait silently until Jeremy’s call was sent to voicemail. Every time it happened, Simon felt guiltier than the last, but he couldn’t do this right now. He needed to convince his dad it was all an act, it was all the musical, that’s all it was ever supposed to be anyways. Simon was just playing the part that had been assigned to him.

 

At least, that’s what Simon’s dad needed to believe. Once he believed that, Simon could dwell upon his true feelings, but for now, those all needed to stay well hidden.

 

**_don’t realize how mean i can be_ **

 

“Hey, Simon--” Jeremy tried to call to the boy he wished would be his friend at the least, but Simon either didn’t hear him or was still ignoring him. It had been two months since their performance of _Spring Awakening_ had shook the town and resulted in the Stanton theatre program being shut down. Jeremy had wondered if that meant Simon would end up switching back to private school, but he was still here.

 

As Simon walked away, Jeremy slowly lowered his hand mid-wave and felt his face fall before he could stop his emotions from being evident to anyone who glanced over at him. He tried to shrug it off as he turned and walked to class, but this wasn’t exactly a shrug-it-off sort of situation. He really wanted to just _talk_ to Simon, but it was clear Simon didn’t even want to acknowledge Jeremy existed.

 

**_‘cause i can sometimes treat the people_ **

**_that i love like jewelry_ **

 

The worst part of the whole thing was the memories of the cast party if Simon was going to be honest with himself (and he hadn’t been too good with that lately). He could write off the time Jeremy kissed him in the parking lot as one-sided and of course everything during the show was nothing but acting. But that night, after hearing the fate of Stanton Drama and _Spring Awakening_ , the cast had tried their best to cheer themselves up (and assure Mr. Mazzuchelli no one blamed him for this) with a party. It could have been considered a pity party, but all in all, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It was like while they were there, they could ignore all of the repercussions of what they’d just done.

 

And Simon could ignore that once he got home, he would have to face the fact that yes, he had kissed another boy on stage, and yes, when the time came for their bows, Simon had _definitely_ held Jeremy’s hand and for longer than he needed too. Simon’s mind had been buzzing with so many thoughts he wasn’t sure he was remembering correctly, but he thought his and Jeremy’s fingers didn’t untangle until they were both off stage.

 

Then after the cast party, Simon had ghosted Jeremy. They hadn’t talked since the party and Simon couldn’t quite bring himself to change that.

 

**_‘cause i can change my mind each day_ **

**_i didn’t mean to try you on_ **

 

When Simon saw Jeremy at his locker at the end of the school day, he immediately turned and began walking in the opposite direction. Why? Simon needed to go past Jeremy’s locker to leave. But also, he could go the long way to avoid Jeremy. Why? He would need to talk to him eventually. That was how it worked in all the movies and TV shows. If two people had unresolved matters, they would end up having to talk at one point or another. The plot demanded it. _But this isn’t a TV show_ , Simon told himself.

 

That didn’t make him feel any better.

 

Once Simon got to his car, he leaned his forehead against it for just a moment to clear his mind. He needed to just… _stop thinking_ . If his mind could just _stop_ , that would be wonderful. If he kept thinking, he would just feel more guilty about avoiding Jeremy, and oh _no_ he was already thinking too much, his mind needed to just do what it was told and _shut up!_

 

**_but i still know your birthday_ **

 

When Jeremy got home the next day after school, there was a paper bag with his name on it sitting on the table. “What’s this?” he asked his mom, who was working on something on her laptop.

 

“Your friend dropped it off not too long ago. The one you were in the play with. Said it was a birthday present.”

 

Jeremy frowned and looked at the bag. That wasn’t very specific. He was fairly certain several people who had been in the play knew it was his birthday today. “Did they say anything else?” Jeremy asked as he opened the bag. But he didn’t need any other information to figure out who it had been after he looked inside.

 

**_and your mother’s favorite song_ **

 

He had mentioned to Simon at the cast party after their first (only, whatever) show that he had always loved the strawberry pie at the bakery on the other side of town from where Jeremy lived, but he hardly ever got it because, well, it was on the other side of town. Also, it wasn’t exactly cheap. How had Simon gotten there and to Jeremy’s house after school? Unless he had gotten it in the morning before school?

 

Jeremy carefully took the pie slice out of the bag and set it on the table.

 

“He seems like a nice kid. ...Is that from the bakery across town?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hm. He must really like you.”

 

Jeremy bit his lip. If Simon liked him at all - even as a friend - then why had he been ignoring and avoiding Jeremy since the cast party? Was the pie some sort of apology?

 

**_so i’m sorry to my unknown lover_ **

 

Simon didn’t bother leaving a note with Jeremy’s birthday present. If Jeremy remembered every detail of the cast party as clearly as Simon did, he wouldn’t need a note saying who it was from. And if he didn’t remember, it was probably for the best.

 

Simon was hoping to slip past his parents and head straight to his bedroom, but he wasn’t quite so lucky. Both his mom and dad were waiting for him to get home.

 

“We got a call from the school,” was how his mom started the conversation. Simon knew it could only get worse from there. “You weren’t in seventh hour. This isn’t like you, Simon. What happened?”

 

“I--”

 

“Is it one of those kids from the play? Jeremy? Margaret?” Simon’s dad asked. “Did they pressure you to skip? You shouldn’t be hanging around people like that, Simon.”

 

Simon shook his head. “No, no. It wasn’t Jeremy or Michael. I just, uh,” Simon had thought up his story before he’d stepped into the house, but now the words were all getting stuck in his throat. “Lilette’s going through some… stuff. I skipped to take her to that bakery with the, um, good strawberry pie.”

 

Simon’s mom immediately looked concerned, while Simon’s dad still didn’t quite look convinced. “What’s going on with Lilette?”

 

“I’m… I’m not really supposed to say. She made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone.” Simon quickly added, “Her mom knows, though. So she’s got an adult to help her. I made sure of that.”

 

“I don’t want you skipping class no matter how worthy the cause may be,” Simon’s dad stated in a tone that meant the conversation was clearly meant to be over.

 

“I won’t do it again,” Simon promised.

 

**_sorry that i can’t believe_ **

**_that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me_ **

 

As soon as Simon set his backpack down on his bedroom floor, his phone vibrated. He glanced at the screen to see a text from Jeremy, ‘ _Thanks for the pie_ ’. Simon didn’t know how to respond. He was bad about responding, and not just to Jeremy.

 

After staring at his phone screen for several minutes, Simon’s fingers finally typed out a response he had no intent on sending.

 

_Sorry_.

 

Simon’s thumb hovered over _send_ , but he ended up giving into his fears. He deleted the one-word response and replied with a simple _happy birthday_ instead. That was easier. It held less emotion. Anyone could say happy birthday; not anyone could say sorry. Because sorry meant there was a previous emotional attachment and _why_ was Simon thinking about emotions? That never took his mind anywhere good. He didn’t have any sort of sinful emotions towards Jeremy. He _couldn’t_. He had been raised to be above anything like that.

 

Simon was going to have to work on personal pep talks, because he wasn’t believing much of anything he told himself lately.

 

**_sorry to my unknown lover_ **

 

“Happy birthday” was all Simon had to say? Jeremy could tell there was something going on with Simon that no one knew about, something Simon could have even been hiding from himself, but still. _Happy birthday?_ After two months of nothing, two words void of any emotion was Simon’s only response?

 

**_sorry i could be so blind_ **

 

As Simon lay in his bed, he finally let his mind wander back to the cast party without trying to stop it. Sometime while Mr. Mazzu was gearing up to the bad news, Simon’s fingers had found their way to Jeremy’s and grasped onto them like a lifeline. Neither Simon nor Jeremy acknowledged it, but when it was announced there would be no more performances, maybe ever, Simon felt Jeremy squeeze his hand, maybe letting Simon know he was there for him or maybe just because Jeremy knew how much Stanton Drama meant to Simon, it didn’t really matter. Simon didn’t feel like delving into Jeremy’s possible motives right now.

 

The feeling of Jeremy’s hand in Simon’s was, for lack of a better word, comforting. And probably a thousand other things it shouldn’t have been, but Simon consoled himself by reminding himself of all the times Lilette had grabbed his hand for support, and they had never been anything more than friends. Still, holding Jeremy’s hand felt different in ways Simon couldn’t (or didn’t want to) make sense of.

 

**_didn’t mean to leave you_ **

**_and all of the things that we had behind_ **

 

Simon was shaken from his thoughts by his dad opening his bedroom door. Simon blinked twice in an attempt to clear his mind of all thoughts of the cast party and Jeremy, but it only half worked.

 

“So. Lilette?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Simon decided apologizing was probably the best way to start out to keep this talk short as possible. “She’s been my friend since forever, and I just felt like she really needed my support. I’m sure her mom will help her from here. And I won’t skip class for her - or for anyone - again. I promise.”

 

“Good. And what about _that boy_?”

 

Simon bit his tongue. Of course his dad decided to bring up Jeremy. When did he not? “I told you, I haven’t spoken to him since the party after the show. I was just playing the part I was given. I didn’t want to let Mr. Mazzuchelli down.”

 

“Mr. Mazzuchelli is the man who chose the play _and_ gave you that part in the first place.”

 

Simon took a deep breath. He knew he needed to choose his next words very carefully. “His beliefs may not align with y-- with ours, but he really is a good person. He wants the best for all of the students at Stanton High, and he believed Hanschen was the role best suited for me, so I played that part. I know you don’t really like Mr. Mazzuchelli, and I know you have your reasons, but I think he’s actually a decent guy. He fought so hard for us to be able to do the show, and I wanted to thank him by doing my part and playing my role as best I could.” Simon found himself having to force out his last sentence, “But none of it was real.”

 

Simon’s dad was silent for several moments before he finally nodded and stood up. “Convincing. Perhaps you really are telling the truth. I pray you have been telling the truth.”

 

“I have. The- The kiss… It was nothing,” Simon could feel the lie burning his tongue as he spoke it, but it was what his dad needed to hear. It was how Simon could stay safe. Surely God could understand that?

 

**_i run away when things are good_ **

 

As soon as Simon’s dad shut the door behind him on his way out, Simon let out a breath. That had gone… better than expected. His dad was actually beginning to believe him. That was good, right? Maybe if Simon’s dad believed it was all fake, Simon would start to believe that too.

 

But how could Simon believe it wasn’t real when he had been at the cast party? All Simon’s dad knew about was the on stage kiss. He didn’t know about the parking lot kiss (and hopefully never would), and he didn’t know about--

 

Simon shook his head. _It meant nothing, it meant nothing. It’s not real. You know it can’t be real. Feelings like that aren’t real, and if they_ are _real, they’re sinful and you should not be experiencing them._ But Simon couldn’t exactly _control_ his feelings, so… how could that be a sin? Wasn’t sinning a choice? Simon’s emotions didn’t feel like a choice.

 

Maybe that was why he had acted on them after the cast party.

 

**_and never really understood_ **

**_the way you laid your eyes on me_ **

 

It was well past sunset when the cast party had ended, and Simon knew he needed to get home. But he didn’t really want to face whatever his dad had in store as soon as he opened the door, so he had walked Jeremy to his car. Mostly as an excuse to put off driving home for another minute. Mostly.

 

_It was late_ , Simon told himself, _you were tired and not thinking straight_. That justification didn’t exactly undo what happened.

 

“Wait,” Simon had said without thinking as Jeremy was about to get into his car. Jeremy waited. Simon decided he could do without thinking for the moment and leaned in, not quite closing the distance between his lips and Jeremy’s. Kissing on stage was one thing, that was excusable. But this? Not so much.

 

Jeremy closed the distance and Simon’s lips were on Jeremy’s once again and something in Simon was begging him to break the kiss and walk away because this was _wrong_ , so _wrong_ , but Simon didn’t want to think about how wrong it was because then he would have to face the consequences, so he just kept kissing Jeremy.

 

**_in ways that no one ever could_ **

 

When the two boys broke apart, Simon had almost started crying at the look in Jeremy’s eyes. He’d always wanted someone to look at him like that, but in Simon’s ideal future, it had always been a good Catholic girl his parents approved of. Never had he considered anything less, _especially_ not another boy.

 

“I should… go,” was all Simon could manage to say before he rushed off to his car. That was the last he had spoken to Jeremy. It was horrible, he knew, but no one could ever find out or they might think Simon had feelings for Jeremy, which he didn’t. He couldn’t.

 

**_and so it seems i broke your heart_ **

 

“So,” Jeremy’s mom sat down on the couch next to him. “That boy, what’s his name? I couldn’t remember.”

 

“Simon,” Jeremy answered. This was the last conversation he wanted to have right now. It wouldn’t be anything his mom wanted to hear and he was beginning to want to forget about Simon because it would be easier.

 

“A friend, or…?”

 

There it was. Jeremy’s parents knew he was gay, and they were fine with it, but it was a bit annoying when they assumed almost every boy Jeremy mentioned might be his new crush. It was a minor issue though, so Jeremy couldn’t complain too much. “Not really. I thought…” Jeremy shrugged. “I thought we could be friends, but I don’t know. He hasn’t really talked to me since…” Jeremy sighed as he remembered the last conversation he and Simon had had. Well, it was less of a conversation and more of Simon running away, but whatever. “Since the cast party. But I mean, he’s got his own friends and his own problems right now, so it’s whatever. We only spent time together because of the musical and that’s over now anyway.”

 

**_my ignorance has struck again_ **

 

Jeremy got to school early the next morning so he could print a homework assignment out in the library (the printer at his house was out of ink). While he was waiting for all of the pages to print, he began looking around and caught sight of Simon and Lilette at a table together. As soon as Jeremy glanced towards the two, Simon was staring at his textbook very intently. Jeremy wasn’t sure if he was actually doing work or not, but he didn’t have time to dwell on Simon. Not right now. Simon didn’t matter.

 

Or at least that’s what Jeremy was trying to convince himself.

 

_It’ll never work_ , Jeremy reminded himself as he gathered his papers from the printer. He stuck them in a folder which went into his backpack, and then Jeremy was headed out of the library, trying to think about anything besides Simon.

 

**_i failed to see it from the start_ **

 

“D’you think he saw me?” Simon whispered.

 

“I think he looked _directly_ at us,” Lilette replied. “What’s so bad about it anyways? Why are you avoiding him? You had one on stage kiss, and you were fine at the cast party.” Lilette frowned. “Wait… it wasn’t the kiss, was it? Something else happened between you two. What was it?”

 

Simon shook his head. He was not doing this right now and especially not right _here_.

 

“Simon. Spill.” Lilette looked at him expectantly.

 

“It’s nothing, okay? We hung out during rehearsal because we were scene partners. Now the show is over so I have no reason to talk to him.”

 

“But apparently you do have a reason to _hide from him_ …”

 

“I’m not doing this right now, okay?” Simon closed his textbook a bit too loudly and put it in his backpack. “The bell to get to class is about to ring.”

 

“Simon…” Lilette tried, but Simon turned and walked away. Lilette didn’t bother going after him. He needed a bit of time to cool off. Trouble was Lilette didn’t exactly have much time left, and she really wanted to help Simon with whatever it was he was going through before she had to move. She didn’t want to leave him like this. Thank goodness her mom had worked out a way to postpone the move until the school year was over.

 

**_and tore you open til the end_ **

 

Simon was the first student in his first hour class, but that didn’t really matter much. He needed a moment alone anyways. He took a deep breath to steady himself mentally. Simon couldn’t expect Lilette to understand what he was going on with him when even _he_ wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Maybe at least Lilette could understand that. Or maybe it was best he put some distance between himself and Lilette anyways. It might make it easier when she moved.

 

Simon put his head down on his desk. What was going on with him? Why did it feel like everything around him was crumbling and all he could do was stand and watch? Was that what high school was _supposed_ to feel like? Hadn’t he been told high school would be “the best years of his life”? Hopefully whoever said that was wrong because if _this_ was the best it got, Simon wasn’t sure he wanted what came next.

 

**_and i’m sorry to my unknown lover_ **

 

Jeremy was too distracted by his thoughts to pay attention in his first hour class. He sat in the back of the room anyways, so it’s not like anyone was going to notice if he was zoning out, thinking about--

 

Jeremy actually rolled his eyes when he realized he had been thinking about Simon. He was supposed to be _not_ thinking about Simon. It was clear Simon didn’t feel anything for him, except maybe pity. Maybe that was what the pie was. Simon being able to offer Jeremy nothing but pity shaped like a slice of pie. An apology using actual words would have been nice.

 

**_sorry that i can’t believe_ **

**_that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me_ **

 

“What’s going on?” Lilette asked when she sat down next to Simon after school had ended. He was sitting at a picnic table, staring at the wood. “You’ve been acting different. Distant. ...This isn’t because I’m moving, is it?”

 

Simon shook his head.

 

“Then what is this about?”

 

“I…” Simon bit his lip. He sighed. “I don’t…” Simon’s voice got quiet, “I don’t think I really know.” Don’t know or don’t want to admit it? Did it matter? Lilette wasn’t going to be told either way.

 

Lilette pursed her lips and put an arm around Simon. “I want to help you, but I don’t know how. I’d do anything you asked, you know that, don’t you?”

 

“I know. You’re a really good friend, Lilette. And… I’m sorry for lashing out earlier. I just have a lot of… things… happening right now.” There. He apologized to Lilette. So why couldn’t Simon bring himself to apologize to Jeremy? ...Was he afraid of what might happen if he spoke to Jeremy again, especially somewhere no one else could see them?

 

Simon tried to shake that thought. Of course not! He wouldn’t make the same mistakes he’d made while tired and emotionally drained. He had been weak after the cast party, vulnerable to sin. Not anymore. So why was he still afraid to talk to Jeremy?

 

**_sorry to my unknown lover_ **

 

“Does… whatever is happening… have to do with Jeremy?” Lilette asked softly, interrupting Simon’s train of thought.

 

Simon sighed. He didn’t know why he tried to hide anything from Lilette. It never worked.

 

“Do you…” Lilette bounced between a few different sentence endings in her mind before she settled on, “...like him?”

 

“No!” Simon answered too quickly. “No, not-- not like that, I mean. He’s a nice person, but I’m not…” Simon forced himself to stop talking. He was giving Lilette far too much information. “No.”

 

Lilette nodded hesitantly. “Okay. Then what’s going on?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know? Or…” Lilette’s voice softened to a whisper, “you’re scared you _do_ know?”

 

Simon didn’t answer Lilette’s question. He had a feeling they both knew the real answer without him admitting it. Deep down, Simon had known ever since things ended _horridly_ with Annabelle, but that didn’t make admitting it any easier.

 

“So what are you going to do?” Lilette knew how religious his parents were, how they’d always been. She’d been over to his house enough over the years.

 

Simon took a deep breath. “I’m going to do what I do best. Act.”

 

**_sorry i could be so blind_ **

 

“And what about Jeremy? Are you… ever going to talk to him again?”

 

Simon shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. When I’m around him--” Simon stopped himself for a moment before he remembered there was no use hiding anything from Lilette. She already knew the worst of it. “ When I'm near him, I _can’t_ act. I _need_ to be able to pretend, Lilette.”

 

“I know.” Lilette’s response surprised Simon. “I know you do. I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, Simon. But I think you should at least offer him some closure.”

 

“Closure for what? We never--” Simon stopped when he saw the expression on Lilette’s face. His face fell. Lilette was right. It was only fair to Jeremy.

 

**_didn’t mean to leave you_ **

**_and all of the things that we had behind_ **

 

Simon’s trash can was now full of failed attempts at explaining what was going on to Jeremy and Simon felt like he was living in a cartoon as he crumbled yet another piece of notebook paper into a ball and flung it in the direction of the trash can. He was going to have to make sure he took this trash bag out himself because the last thing he needed was his parents reading even _one_ of the half-notes in (or around) his trash can right now. But that was a problem for later.

 

Simon tapped his pencil against a new piece of paper, but he was pretty much out of ideas. How could he put into words how he was feeling about the whole situation when he was still so confused about, well, _everything_? Simon should have known that this would never work before he even started. This had been a horrible idea. He was just going to have to suck it up and talk to Jeremy face to face no matter how hard it would be.

 

**_and someone will love you_ **

 

Lunch was the perfect time to talk to someone in private if you needed to do it at school, so Simon headed straight towards Jeremy’s locker instead of to the cafeteria. The entire walk there, Simon’s stomach was doing somersaults and that was _not_ making any part of this any easier.

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

“We need to talk.” Simon wanted his voice to sound assertive and detached, but he was fairly certain it ended up just sounding nervous. Jeremy looked at Simon like he couldn’t believe the boy was actually talking to him.

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

“...Where?” Jeremy glanced around at the still relatively crowded hallway. Simon bit the inside of his cheek, chastising himself as he grabbed Jeremy’s hand and pulled the boy into an empty stairwell. The door shut loudly behind them and Simon let go of Jeremy’s hand a moment too slow. But maybe the other boy hadn’t noticed. Maybe Simon was being too paranoid. Maybe--

 

**_but someone isn’t me_ **

 

Simon stopped his thoughts right there. He forced his breathing into a steady pattern before he looked up at Jeremy, who looked confused. “I’m sorry,” Simon finally said. “I’m so sorry.”

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

Jeremy reached a hand out towards Simon as tears began to leak from the other boy’s eyes, but he stopped himself and returned his hands to his side. Simon looked more annoyed at the tears than anything as he wiped them away. “I’ve been... a _really_ horrible person to you lately, and I am very sorry. My only excuse for that is…” Simon wiped another tear, “I never disliked you, I swear. ...I just hated myself.”

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

Jeremy didn’t know how to respond to that. He didn’t really know how you were _supposed_ to respond to something like that. “Simon…”

 

“I’m not done.”

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

Simon wasn’t even bothering to wipe away his tears now. “I… I hated myself and I hated that I-- I had... feelings... for you…” Simon shook his head, like his body’s way of telling him he was spilling too much and he needed to stop. Simon didn’t listen. “I never thought feelings like that were real. I couldn’t. And I-- I could never…” Simon squeezed his eyes shut as if that would make the harsh reality of his situation go away. “I don’t think I could ever act on them because… My parents… I-- I can’t. I’m sorry. I-- I like you,” Simon hated how right those words felt as they fell from his lips, “but I can’t ever be with you. I need a roof to live under, and my sister… my parents would never let me see her again if they knew. I’m sorry.”

 

**_but someone isn’t me_ **

 

Simon turned and ran, wiping the tears out of his eyes as he left. He needed to get to the nearest bathroom without anyone seeing him. Hopefully the halls would be mostly cleared out by now.

 

**_sorry to my unknown lover_ **

 

Jeremy ran after Simon and grabbed his hand just before he pushed the bathroom door open. Simon didn’t have the strength to pull his hand from Jeremy’s, so he turned to face the other boy. “You don’t have to be sorry for having religious parents.” Jeremy brought Simon’s hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against Simon’s knuckles and suddenly it was like they were back in _Spring Awakening_ but the roles had been switched. Simon wished the moment didn’t have to end, but his mind was taking control over his heart now, so he pulled his hand away.

 

**_sorry that i can’t believe_ **

**_that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me_ **

 

“That’s the problem,” he said. “It’s not just my parents who are religious. I--” Simon shrugged. “I believe it too. Well, most of it, at least. I can’t _act_ on these feelings I have because… it’s wrong. For me. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life or-- or imply that you are less than because you don’t believe this is wrong, I swear. You’re…” Simon shook his head, trying to rid his mind of all of the _wrong_ words it had suggested finish the sentence. “You deserve to be happy. I just… I can’t be part of that. I’m sorry.” With that, Simon turned and walked into the bathroom.

 

Jeremy didn’t bother following him. There were other bathrooms in the school for Jeremy to spend the rest of the lunch period hiding in. It was clear Simon didn’t want anything to do with him anyways.

 

**_sorry to my unknown lover_ **

 

Simon didn’t want to think about how dirty the bathroom floor was as he slid down into a sitting position, his back against the wall furthest from the door. He lowered his head until it was resting on his knees. Simon knew this was the only option, but he also knew he would have to face the sin within him eventually. His parents would find out somehow, someday, and what would Simon be able to tell them? That he’d only given in twice? Or would the stage kiss count as well, since Mr. Mazzu had clearly said it was optional? That in the end, all either of them got was a broken heart? None of that sounded very good at all.

 

**_sorry i could be so blind_ **

 

Jeremy clutched the sink with both hands, looking at himself in the mirror. Of course he should have seen this coming, he knew there was something holding Simon back. But Jeremy had been stupid, thinking it was just the knowledge that society still doesn’t fully accept people like them and Stanton is still a very conservative town. Never had Jeremy bothered to consider that maybe it went deeper than that. A fear so deeply rooted in Simon that Jeremy feared maybe Simon would never realize what he felt was okay.

 

Jeremy hung his head. Even after all that had happened between them, he still wanted Simon to be happy.

 

**_didn’t mean to leave you_ **

**_and all of the things that we had behind_ **

 

Simon didn’t do much talking for the next several days. He avoided Lilette and all of his other friends. He said the bare minimum to his parents, giving them mostly one word answers about how his day had been.

 

Simon caught himself searching the hallways for Jeremy during passing period and then mentally slapped himself in the face, reminding himself that that was _over_. No more Jeremy. The show was over and now, so were they. Everything was as it should be.

 

**_and someone will love you_ **

 

A week and a half later, Simon woke up in a cold sweat sometime after midnight and wrote a letter to Jeremy apologizing once again for what he had said before they parted ways. He hadn’t meant to make himself out to be better than Jeremy because he was refusing to act on his feelings, and he wanted Jeremy to know that. _Needed_ Jeremy to know that.

 

**_someone will love you_ **

****

Simon woke up late with a pencil in one hand and a letter to Jeremy on the floor next to his bed. Despite the fact that he was running behind, Simon read over the letter to make sure it was actually conveying what he wanted Jeremy to know and not nonsense that he’d written while in a dream state, thinking it was great when it should actually never see the light of day. After correcting a misspelled word, Simon decided it was okay. He folded the paper up and slipped it into his backpack.

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

Simon glanced around nervously to make sure nobody was watching before he slipped his letter through the vents at the top of Jeremy's locker. He then rounded the corner and stopped walking, his back against the wall.  _This is the right thing to do_ , he reminded himself. Slowly, the boy peeked his head around the corner to look at Jeremy's locker. If he had timed this right, Jeremy would be arriving there soon.

 

**_but someone isn’t me_ **

 

When Jeremy opened his locker in the morning, he noticed someone had slipped a piece of paper into it. He traded his backpack for the paper and slowly unfolded it. It was a note. Jeremy’s eyes darted to the bottom of the page. _It was from Simon_.

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

As soon as Jeremy finished reading, he looked around. Maybe he still had a chance to be friends with Simon after all? Or maybe he was being too hopeful--

 

There. He’d just walked into the library. Jeremy slammed his locker shut and hurried towards the library

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

Jeremy practically ran into the library and immediately began looking around for Simon. He checked all of the places where he and Lilette would sit in the morning, but no sign of him. Finally, Jeremy saw him. He saw him walk out of the library through the side door, holding the hand of a blonde girl Jeremy couldn’t remember the name of. Jeremy sat down at one of the tables, defeated.

 

**_someone will love you_ **

 

As soon as they were out of the library, Simon let go of the girl’s hand and immediately turned around to look in the window. The girl scoffed and walked away, but Simon didn’t really care. He scanned the library until he saw Jeremy sitting at a table, his head covered by his arms. Simon was rethinking his decision until a boy with light brown hair took a seat next to Jeremy. Jeremy slowly looked up and the two began to talk. Simon let his eyes slip shut for only a moment before he took a deep breath and turned around. This was for the best. Jeremy could be happy and Simon… Well, Simon could act. After all, that was what he was good at.

 

**_but someone isn’t me_ **  



End file.
